I’m sitting here contemplating the end of TriConf. There was so much inspiration, vulnerability, laughter and even tears. People poured out their hearts. They laid their craft at the feet of their critics and gushed with enthusiasm, passion and true grit.
My mind, truthfully, is having difficulty processing everything. So I’m just going to drop the mask, push over the walls and tell you the truth.
I am constantly, consistently, without relief, conflicted.
I use to think it was depression. The heavy weight I felt at all times. But I shared none of the other symptoms of those who suffer this malady.
I then took on the thinking that it was the curse of a creative. We must be forever tortured souls in order to feel the extreme emotions that inspire creativity. That creatives were ultimately masochists of their souls, tearing at the internal norm on an ultimate quest for something they can never find. But why must creativity follow such a negative place. I have never had any desire for my work to mirror this negativity. This couldn’t be the case.
Here’s what I realized at TriConf. I’m conflicted because I feel. Not just feel. But FEEL. I feel constantly. I can’t turn it off. I feel so deeply that if it were a color it would be a shade darker than black. I am assaulted with these feelings every second of everyday.
Here is the process.
I meet someone. I go through the surface level emotions. Who is this person? Am i capable of like them? Does this person like me?
If the relationship moves past this initial level I shift immediately into caring about said person. I’m loyal, to a fault. I feel for that person’s pain, cheer with them through their triumph, and I’m even genuinely interested in the mundane everyday of their live.
I literally can’t help it.
So what’s the problem? I don’t know how to separate my emotional state. If someone is going through a difficult time I physically feel their sadness, anger or disappointment. If someone is joyous I feel their joy as if it were a coat around my soul. But my mind realizes this is not my pain nor my joy. I can share in it but I cannot own it.
So what does this mean?
I leave my relationships feeling drained, confused and alone. I have to question my feelings to see if they are my own. I feel conflicted in my relationships because I don’t want to show the deep amount of care I feel for each person so as to be socially acceptable, relationally neutral. But none of this stops me from actually feeling it.
I feel so deeply for all y’all. It’s like a faucet I can’t turn off. So pardon my puddles, people.
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