I have found this blog, Autism Daddy. This guy has a totally different style than me, but I really enjoy his stuff. He’s honest. Brutally honest. And kind of funny. He got some flack for his posts, and wrote a response to it here. It was in this post that something struck a nerve with me personally.
Am I too positive? Could this not be a good thing?
Recently I acknowledged, out loud, that I am judgmental. My worst quality. I consistently work to change it. I will find myself assuming stuff…I’m usually wrong! I really didn’t want to admit it out loud. I tried to explain and justify it, but ultimately just admitted I suck and I need to do better. And saying it out loud did help. I’m not perfect. It’s OK. And I’m working on it. Autism Daddy did say something about saying it out loud on that post, so I get his view on that. So see, I’m not perfectly positive all the time. It’s a process.
So anyway, reading Autism Daddy’s blog made me wonder if I was blowing smoke that wasn’t true. Because that isn’t helpful, ya know? So I really had to think about it. I’m not trying to paint a pretty picture. And it isn’t always easy. Positive outlooks on life’s challenges are not a gut response, but something decided.
…I just don’t feel OK until I can let my brain loop from negative to positive.
My mom was, and is, such an influence in my life in this way. No crying. Keep your head up. Someone has it worse than you. Give thanks to God…no matter what. This was unspoken but learned throughout my life. And although it may sound harsh to some, to have a mom that doesn’t allow you to cry and have a pity party, she made me strong. She wanted me to be happy.
So when I read his posts, for a minute I thought, “am I TOO positive?” Do I give people the wrong idea about autism? What IS the right idea then? …Ok well I guess, for me, it’s this.
…I don’t love autism, I love my son.
…I don’t love autism, but I love the friends I have made because of it.
…I don’t love autism, but I see the beauty in his unique way of thinking.
…I don’t love autism, but I love how my family and friends have stood by us, and bonds have strengthened because of it.
…I don’t love autism, but I can’t imagine Simon any other way now. So I have decided to love autism, I guess. Because I love him. And I can’t seem to seperate it.
That being said, I don’t want to judge someone who needs to say they hate autism. Because the truth is, some people’s lives are turned upside down and inside out because of autism. And they still love their kids. I guess it goes back to assuming and judging. We just don’t know how hard it is for some. We can’t compare because autism isn’t cookie cutter. We all handle it the way that we need to. And we all need to just be OK with that. We need to stop judging, and it starts with me.
Autism changed my path, but not who I am. I am someone who is far from perfect. I keep working at the things that I dislike about myself, but finding a positive attitude about life’s challenges is one thing I think I am ok with. But one thing I will continue to do, is stay balanced in the reality of the beautiful potential of these kids, and the heartbreaking struggle as well. They deserve to be seen through it all…in my opinion. For what it worth.
(Follow me on Twitter if you’d like to find some of my favorite autism blogs. Hate it or love it, you’ll be amazed by the human spirit.)
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