Scars and Healing

I have two scars on my face that are about an inch long. One of them I obtained ten years ago at a doctor’s office, and the other a year and a half ago when a bathroom attacked me.

I hide these two flaws with bangs and the rim of my glasses.  Most of the time I don’t really think of them, except for that awkward time of day when I actually look at what I’m seeing in the mirror. For me, looking in the mirror is a little like hearing my recorded voice: “Is that REALLY me?” I guess what I see doesn’t really match up in my mind’s eye of what should be there.

My mental image of myself just doesn’t include obvious damage. I hide the scars I suppose because I’m not really that keen on being defined by them.  I’m not self conscious about them, and will tell the stories if asked, but they’re not really a big part of who I am.

On the other hand, it’s the damage inside I’m truly afraid people will notice. I spend much more time being careful about what I say and how I interact with people than I am with the hair and makeup disguise.

I think I’m probably not as good at hiding hurts as I hope. Scars from emotional struggles have been harder to heal and have left a legacy that colors just about every single relationship in my life. I could wish it wasn’t noticeable by others, but it probably is. The caution, awkward hesitation, restraint, the occasional wild enthusiasm – all of it gets a little weird occasionally I’m sure!

I’m not intending this to be a completely navel gazing narrative, rather setting a stage for how important I think it is to have personal heroes. I’m talking about real people in my life that do amazing things and encourage me with their bravery and honesty.

My heroes are my friends. They share stories of hurt and learning; speaking out from the deepest places of their being. They create a path for me to feel brave enough to begin my own healing, shining a light into the scariness and making it not so scary.

There are folks out there whose only outlet are anonymous hotlines and obscure subreddits. While I’m sure those places have helped some, I’m eminently grateful to have your openness encouraging me to do the same.

Maybe my interior damage is obvious, but I’m starting to be okay with that. Hiding it is not the path to healing. So thank you, my friends, my heroes. Thank you for teaching me about healing.

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Shenoa Lawrence

Shenoa has traveled in 17 countries, eaten a meal hanging from the side of a cliff, and been cursed at in Creole. She's prone to skinned knees, goofy comments, and big ideas. Shenoa is a designer of web sites, drinker of coffee, and seeker of adventures. She thinks writing her own bios are really weird and awkward.

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  • This is so moving and beautifully written Shenoa. Quite possibly the most powerful post shared to date on The Pot-Luck. Thank you so much for this. YOU are my hero!

  • adambrault

    Man, I identify with this.

    One of the things that I’ve always appreciated about you is how you are both completely inspiring and completely human. You’re indeed one of my heroes and I think of you often!

  • Becca Lingley

    I miss you and your open honest-ness. You really are an amazing woman and your impact on the Tri-Cities is still being felt, and I honestly think the place is so much better because you came and helped us envision a new reality. So, thanks for caring about others even with your own personal “stuff”. 🙂

  • Suzy Garza Higley

    i always thought you nothing but brave. 🙂 it’s so awesome to be to a point in life where we can just be honest about our insecurities, and know it will make us stronger, and help others reach that point too! 🙂 i think you’re awesome Shenoa.

  • Yes.

  • Shenoa Lawrence

    Thanks Keith, I count you high on my list of amazing writers/storytellers, so this is big praise! And to reply with a Poi Dog lyric…man. I’ll have to tell you about the relevance of that sometime. 🙂

  • Shenoa Lawrence

    The amount of honesty and heart you put into everything you do is SUPER encouraging! I’m walking in your footsteps my friend.

  • Shenoa Lawrence

    And you were ever willing to be an ear for my personal stuff, which I am ever grateful for! I hear you have some big ideas, call me sometime soon so I can be an ear back. Ok, “be an ear” sounds weird, but you get my drift.

  • Shenoa Lawrence

    Thank you Suzy! You’ve been writing some amazing stuff lately, so I have a suspicion you know just how liberated I’m feeling at the moment. Looking forward to your next post!

  • Jeff Boyus

    You never cease to amaze me. That was beautifully written my friend!

  • Sara Taylor

    You are sweet and wonderful.

  • Lou Galindo

    I love this. It’s comforting to know that people we admire often have the same insecurities and hurts that we ourselves have. It makes you feel less alone in the world.