I have spent a large portion of the last year of my life processing. Processing information, processing things that have happened to me, places I’ve been and things I’ve seen. Relationships I’ve had – and lost. I have spent a great deal of time trying to make sense of some pretty traumatic losses, and also spent a lot of time trying not to become a cynic. Because I want to believe like a child. In life. In people. I want to believe.
We visited Disneyland a couple weeks ago. One of the best memories I will have until I die, or my memory dies, is of Brad and Nina on the carousel in the middle of the park. They were going so fast, it was hard to capture their smiles with my camera. But I did. I got a really good one that perfectly captured the warm, sunny day and their childlike innocence. Brad enjoyed it as much as Nina although he would never admit it because he is at the point where admitting to things like that are not cool.
But Nina, oh my little beanie. She was in heaven. If you asked her what her favorite part of the day was, I’m sure the horsies on the carousel would be at the top of her little list. To me, it was a $500 ride. I could have taken her to the mall instead. But she loved it and I loved seeing her love it.
I thought of that again today as I was processing. I thought about her face and how fast she was going. Then I thought about life. I thought about the lady in the pizza parlor that I encountered last week. She was in such a hurry, she was screaming at her child, she was grumpy with me (I was in her way) and she was very rude to the cashier with the fantastic excuse. “I’m in a hurry.” Everyone is in a hurry. How many times have I rushed around, being short with everyone in my warpath… Thinking I’m being productive. I guess that should be a question. Thinking I’m being productive?
Being productive implies you are producing something. If I’m not producing something of value, it doesn’t matter if I am in a hurry. Like, at all. If I’m bearing crappy fruit, that’s no ones fault but mine. If I haven’t managed my time better I shouldn’t be making everyone else’s life miserable. So, we can be in a rush and very, very busy. But let’s not mistake that for being productive.
Then I thought about the carousel again. In such a hurry, but not going anywhere. Not really producing any real long distances. I thought about life and all my processing. Reliving hurts, and trying to grieve over things lost. All of it starts to feel like I’m the rider of a pink unicorn with a cheesy grin (sometimes not so much). Sometimes all this processing feels like Im not healing. It just feels like all I’m doing is processing.
Today, I was walking on the track for exercise. In that sense, it is producing something. I’m burning calories. I know this. But in the sense of producing miles, it doesn’t really do very much. I don’t really get very far. If I want mileage, if I want to get somewhere I can’t just walk on the track.
I haven’t written much lately because of all my processing. Sometimes I feel like words are all too much. Everyone says so many words but are they transforming? Or are they just being spoken so someone can say, ‘that was great’… God just said, “I AM” and it rocked our worlds.
There is a time for processing. There is a season for reflection. There should always be processing and reflecting actually and maybe there are longer lengths of time for both. But today, I felt certain in my spirit that there is a time to get off the carousel too. I don’t think healing is found on the carousel or the track, or going in a circle processing the same information for long periods of time.
Because life is awesome. It is beautiful and short and there is cotton candy to be eaten. There are sunsets to experience and moments yet to make our hearts explode with happiness.
It’s short and I don’t want to miss another day trying to process things I may never understand. Its all lead me to here. And here is absolutely beautiful. The first steps off the carousel may be wobbly but I’m ready to walk and explore.
I’m actually very ready.
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