Cleaning out my bookshelves, I came across this journal entry.
November 14th, 2009
I’ve been stealing moments with my imagination and it’s the strangest thing. For example, I sat beside a charming Korean man in his late 20’s on my way to Chennai, India. He boarded the plane during a layover in Seoul. He said he was traveling for the first time to make a business investment in Dubai. It was late and the city lights danced in the distance like fire flies outside my window.
The cabin lights dimmed, we ascended. Passengers sat upright, some wrapped in blankets, their limbs too long to stay covered, others shift with awkward backs, in and out of the fetal position never achieving the comfort they long for. I close my eyes. I’m exhausted and the purring of engines surround my senses.
My seatmate dozes off somewhat leaning his head over and onto my shoulder — for some reason, I don’t mind.
I just keep my eyes closed and imagine he’s my husband. I imagine that he is kind, venerable, and that we’re getting up there in age. His dulcet breath and warm arm touch mine and it gives me the sensation that we’re in a loving marriage, we’ve been through a lot, but our marriage has never been stronger than it is now. We’re traveling together for business, maybe he’s a writer a blue collar worker or perhaps he speaks on behalf of our non profit. Maybe we even have grown children back home, perhaps we live in the U.S. or London—we enjoy what we do, because it has meaning and together we support each other.
I had another moment like this the other day, it’s become a recurring trait in my thinking. I can’t remember the details, but when it was over I thought to myself how desperately lonely and how sad that I can do nothing but steal moments with my imagination. The thoughts play out in my mind like a film, but somehow it’s just not my fate—right now anyway.
I suppose, that I’ve been trying to do right by my creator, by being in control of fleeting crushes and emotions, to hold my head up and trust God. That ultimately His plan for me will be revealed, his plans will illuminate good and not harm. But, I still feel destined to aloneness, because I always revert to bad habits or default to the person I don’t want to be, no matter how hard I try.
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